dear someone

i dont feel like myself anymore. im living life 2 hours at a time, punctuated by 20 minutes of electronic suckling, and not for much. i have never left less in control or less like myself. im just floating along with no recourse: i cant help the baby, i cant help cassandra, i cant know or make the decisions about what will happen with my job for next school year, i cant force my body to create more milk, im losing my interest in exercise and my diet, i am depressed when i wake up and unable to relate to my husband when he gets home. im just floating away and feel like a shell of my former self. but fuck it, right? no one knows that shit. they just see an irritable bitch or a peppy mother fucker compensating for how she feels.