Alright I'm furious

I'm furious.

I started out feeling bad for the mom.  I started out feeling like she had fallen on hard times. I started out feeling sad about the relatinship that C lost and that she lost during this time.

And those thing are all still true: I still am sad for her, I still pray for her, I still feel like she fell on some rough times, and I long for them to reunite happily.

But I am also furious.  How DARE she leave him like this? How DARE she ruin her life when she was taking care of someone else? I hold him while he SOBS and SHAKES because he misses her so much. How DARE she throw this away for substance abuse or lack of mental health care. 

HOW DARE SHE!

You know what lady, now *I* am the one holding him NIGHTLY when he cries for you. *I* am the one praying for you with your sweet, loving little boy.  *I* am the one telling him that you are working so hard to get things together so that he can come home. 

I am so furious at her. 

I met her the other day at a hearing.  I wanted to introduce myself (with the GAL and caseworker present, of course) to reassure her that I am not an evil entitiy out to steal her child; I wanted to let her know that he was doing well and smile, and show her that I am a loving woman who cares for her child and her (to a degree).  It went as well as could be expected. She was mostly concerned with whether or not I had changed his hair, and "did it look like a clown"?  

Right now things are kind of at a standstill with the courts. I am sure I cannot say too much publically, but I can probably let you all know that things are not progressing on her end and that the placement seems to be in limbo until she is able to begin her "path" to getting better. 

Enough about her right now. I do pray for her, and I cried when I saw her in person becuase I was truly sad for her, but I am angry today - angry for what she did that caused me to have to hold him three times today while he cried for her. 

C is starting BIG BOY school monday. We LOVE our sweet Mary Poppins nanny, but he needs to be in a preschool and things have worked out just perfectly for him to start in one of the Child Development classes in the area (no specifics :) ).  He even gets to ride the bus!  

C got a library card a few weeks ago and has finally started reading books with us at night. But oh no, it isn't just one book. And it isn't just me reading. Me, Max (the dog), Steve, and Chandler all read the books. And the future English teacher in me (and my mother) is LOVING this.