dear someone

i dont feel like myself anymore. im living life 2 hours at a time, punctuated by 20 minutes of electronic suckling, and not for much. i have never left less in control or less like myself. im just floating along with no recourse: i cant help the baby, i cant help cassandra, i cant know or make the decisions about what will happen with my job for next school year, i cant force my body to create more milk, im losing my interest in exercise and my diet, i am depressed when i wake up and unable to relate to my husband when he gets home. im just floating away and feel like a shell of my former self. but fuck it, right? no one knows that shit. they just see an irritable bitch or a peppy mother fucker compensating for how she feels.

Olive,

today was a rough day. to begin with i gained another 2 lbs. those damn super bowl snacks. i can feel myself slipping into what feels like an eating disorder. i dont want to eat a damn thing.  ive eaten literally 2 ww points today and its nearly 5pm.

but today got better. i met up with sarah from PTA. she was anther loss mom. her son died at 23 weeks. we talked for two hours and her blessed son ozzie stayed busy for the entire time. then we walked the parks and found 4 rocks. ill give one to your daddy - its a 20 sided die!

i sobbed today after getting a little fucked up on my meds. just sobbed. i dnot remmember why.  then i went out and bought this computer.

i love and miss you
mommy

this has been many years since ive written on here. 4, in fact.  any it has been the longest 4 years of my life. im misreable whre i am now. im sad. im just sitting here and bought a laptop just so that i could pour my thoughts out onto paper.  i want to write about the past 4 years.

id like to start with what happned in 2015 and where my mind went in those years.

at once point i had all my chapters figured out, and knew what id write about but now i suppose ive lost that information.

in 2015 we stopped fostering children.

lets try again for chapters.

kayleigh
dss
moving
death? family death?
palmetto
heather?
trident
weight gain
train travel
ttc in the beginning
the flower - november 2016
michelle ivf
that moment outside with the boys
IVF
heather and drugs
weight gain again
grace
kidding myself
first encounter with real death
green hair and crowfield
healing and chosen
more train travel
heather encounters
ctm
hurricane florence and miles
olive
slipping, but living
OLIVE
grief

"when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive"