memories

I sang Silent Night to Corbin tonight when he couldn't fall asleep.  It was what my Grandmama sang to me every night that I spent the night there and when I called Grandaddy to tell him about it he laughed and said "I used to sing that to your Momma. It was a standard song around here, oh yes." 

What a nice memory to have now.  I feel like I gained something.

We said goodbye to Chandler a week or so ago. Not much to say about that. A lot of sadness and regret - we had been contacting the caseworker to ask her to speed things up since school was starting. 

I love my snugly baby. His birthday is in 2 hours. :-)  Here is a picture of him reading a birthday book.

im a . . .

im a mom.

i am a mommy.

i am a mom.

i am a mother.



___________


when i say it out loud it sounds weird. i dont feel like a mother. i feel like a caretaker. i feel like a regular person that has to take care of children.  i feel like i am simply MADE to take care of these particular babies.

but a mother? i am someone's mother? I guess... C has called me "the best foster mom ever" but in the next 20 minutes i had to reprimand him for something and i felt less than best.  Baby S is awake, and i cant help but wonder if i could had tried a little harder to get her to sleep that MAYBE she'd be sleeping right now. i couldn't be her intuitive momma, right?

i dont know. i dont know what i am doing, really.

"you're the bitch the saved a baby's life"

Alright, so i dont swear too much here. But a friend of mine today who knows me very well reminded me that yeah maybe im a bitch but im the bitch that does nothing that anyone else does: i sit there in a damn hospital room snuggling and laughing and crying with a baby girl that will never be mine.  

I had a terrible time this week - so far it isnt the "letting them go" that hurts, it's the pushing and pulling of my emotions.  first im getting her, then im not, then it's long term, then it's two days, then it's "oh darn, we had a 3 day old, but you've got Baby S." 

And i think DAMN. coulda been mine.

New things

I'm a Disney Travel Agent now.

Just living the dream...

www.momentsofmagictravel.com

Update on C:  Mom has not done anything yet with regards to therapy. still non compliant. Becuase visitations at discretion of DSS, they are witholding visitations until she gets it together adn makes an appointment for treatment.  Caseworker does not think this will happen. She thinks they will end up closing the case. 

If that happened he would be able to be adopted, but the family in another state will be getting him before that happens. The family actually raised him until he was 2 years old, at which point I think dad went to jail, so mom went down and basically took him from family and took him to SC.  When  family found out he was in foster care they began (in the words of the caseworker) "blowing up" caseworker's phone trying to get him back. The placement with family is waiting on paperwork to be filed by caseworker. Once that happens it could be 1-3 months before they are approved, and then another 1-3 months before he moves. The second time period is a time for him to adjust to the new family (im shocked they even do that, but I think it's because they are gearing up for adoption). This second 1-3 months should consist of phone calls with fam, maybe a visit and warming him up to this new situation. again, i am shocked that they are even doing that. DSS ususally sucks. 

I have told the caseworker that I am MORE THAN OPEN to communication with the family before the "warming up" period. COnsidering they raised him until he was 2 years old, i can only imagine their minds are going crazy thinking of him in foster care. it also will set my mind at ease about it. 

how do we feel about this? i feel like this is probably THE best case scenario we will ever see as far as resolution goes in foster care. I am happy about the timeline, i feel like it is just enough time. I am glad to be able to put a number on the time as well. I am ecstatic that family is pursuing this, not DSS. with that said, when the caseworker said she thinks they are just going to close the case i felt like he just slipped right through our fingers. if the family weren't  there, he could have been ours. 

He was almost ours.

And yet sometimes I feel like i don't even deserve him. He's so damn special.

Confessional

Here's the truth:  I kind of suck at being a mom.

 I hate bath time and dinner time.
I relish every moment of nap time.
I look at my phone while we are out having breakfast.
I eat cake in front of him and refuse to share.
I don't always indulge in his imagination - "there are not magical fairies in the air vent, it's just metal"
I only let him read one book at night and sometimes I skip the last 1/4 of the book and he is none the wiser.
I really, really, REALLY hate dinner time.
I can't be bothered to find his helmet, so bike riding has been on hold for weeks.
We haven't had milk in the house for like 3 days now.
I buy the pancakes that come in a shake up canister.
I complain EVERY TIME I have to put his shoes on. He is now afraid I'm going to throw them away.
I frequently forget to send him to school with a snack.
Sometimes I have to yell at him, and I feel like I'm ruining him just by raising my voice.
Once or twice Ive argued with Steve in front of him. That really eats me up.
I don't play kid music in the car anymore.

Small update

It has been a little while since my last update. I feel like I've been a mother forever.

I'll start with an update on C's situation.  Mom is still being required by the courts to comply with a list of things to do.  This doesn't seem to be getting completed at this time.  In the best case scenario (for C), mom gets her stuff done and he stays with us while waiting.

However, that may not be the case. There is distant family in another state that the courts are requiring DSS to look into as a temporary placement while mom gets her act together.  This is appalling to me.  Reprehensible.  If this were a permanent placement for him, I'd feel quite differently; however, another bandaid and another move for C is unnecessary and unfair to his development. I can't stand the "system."

Day to day update on C:  he is enjoying his time in the local preschool.  He seems to have more behavior issues at school than at home, but that is not a surprise to me.  I wish the teacher would tell me more about his behavior instead of sugar-coating it. At home, however, he is a sweet, sweet child.

What about me? I'm faring well.  College is getting me down a bit, and Steve and I never see each other because of his work schedule.  I'm waiting for the summer when I can focus on organizing my life and my money (we are so stinking poor!)  I don't really enjoy being in my history classes this semester.  I don't really want to teach English anymore.  I just want to be a mom.

.

Alright I'm furious

I'm furious.

I started out feeling bad for the mom.  I started out feeling like she had fallen on hard times. I started out feeling sad about the relatinship that C lost and that she lost during this time.

And those thing are all still true: I still am sad for her, I still pray for her, I still feel like she fell on some rough times, and I long for them to reunite happily.

But I am also furious.  How DARE she leave him like this? How DARE she ruin her life when she was taking care of someone else? I hold him while he SOBS and SHAKES because he misses her so much. How DARE she throw this away for substance abuse or lack of mental health care. 

HOW DARE SHE!

You know what lady, now *I* am the one holding him NIGHTLY when he cries for you. *I* am the one praying for you with your sweet, loving little boy.  *I* am the one telling him that you are working so hard to get things together so that he can come home. 

I am so furious at her. 

I met her the other day at a hearing.  I wanted to introduce myself (with the GAL and caseworker present, of course) to reassure her that I am not an evil entitiy out to steal her child; I wanted to let her know that he was doing well and smile, and show her that I am a loving woman who cares for her child and her (to a degree).  It went as well as could be expected. She was mostly concerned with whether or not I had changed his hair, and "did it look like a clown"?  

Right now things are kind of at a standstill with the courts. I am sure I cannot say too much publically, but I can probably let you all know that things are not progressing on her end and that the placement seems to be in limbo until she is able to begin her "path" to getting better. 

Enough about her right now. I do pray for her, and I cried when I saw her in person becuase I was truly sad for her, but I am angry today - angry for what she did that caused me to have to hold him three times today while he cried for her. 

C is starting BIG BOY school monday. We LOVE our sweet Mary Poppins nanny, but he needs to be in a preschool and things have worked out just perfectly for him to start in one of the Child Development classes in the area (no specifics :) ).  He even gets to ride the bus!  

C got a library card a few weeks ago and has finally started reading books with us at night. But oh no, it isn't just one book. And it isn't just me reading. Me, Max (the dog), Steve, and Chandler all read the books. And the future English teacher in me (and my mother) is LOVING this. 

"If you love me every day, my heart won't break."

The baby went "home" to family last week.  My heart was nothing but relieved. I knew that the family was happy to get her, and excited. I knew that things would ease up at my house once she was gone. I feel so guilty for feeling this way, but there was nothing else to feel except relief.

And things HAVE gotten better. During that first week Steve was working so much and I was trying so hard to get things done all the time that I made myself sick. To my credit, i WAS premenstrual, so my immune system was a little off as it is every pms cycle.  Nevertheless, i ended up nearly fainting and puking my way through Wednesday, and then contracting a real nice sinus infection for the weekend.

But what's a little sinus infection (and newly discovered iron deficiency) when you're in DISNEY WORLD?! That's right, i took him to Disney World last weekend.  I had to, my annual pass was running out!  I have never seen so much joy in a child all at once.  Sometimes he would just laugh out of happiness for being there. It was so much fun.

He has started singing this song, "I love you soooo much! I love you sooooo much!" It happens every few hours. Pleasant little kiddo.

I'm a little frustrated with DSS right now. I still don't have any idea of his medical records, and need to set him up with a pediatrician.  No idea if he has had his 4 year old shots or anything.  His particular case worker knows nothing, every time I call.  It isn't that she doesn't know the answer to things, it's that she doesn't know ANY protocol. She doesn't know who to contact for things, she follows through on nothing, and she doesn't know simple things like the fact that foster children are eligible for WIC, or that I can take them to any doctor I want.

Slowly, C has been talking more and more about his mom and his home life.  I am glad that we can talk about his feelings, but wish he didn't know how to speak, because these things are so sad. Last night is when he said to me, "If you love me every day, my heart won't break."

Foster CARE

I'm in the business of foster CARE. the children that I tuck into bed at night and snuggle while watching Dinosaur Train are in need of my (and my husband's) constant, delicate care.  Unfortunately, in the chaos of  Week 1,  someone in this house is not getting taken care of: me.

I frequently regard myself as superwoman, or at best, Scarlett O'Hara.  I'm not taking about pre-Civil War Scarlett.  I'm not talking about "fiddle-dee-dee" Scarlett.  I'm talking about "I slapped my Butterfly Queen, Melanie is dying, Pa died, Rhett's a jerk, I'm making my clothes from draperies and pulling carrots out of the ground" Scarlett O'Hara.  I am sad to say that right now I feel more like Scarlett amidst all the death and dying at the "hospital" - overwhelmed, "why won't a doctor just help me?!" and just wanting a carriage to get out of dodge.

This is my own darn fault.  I haven't been eating or hydrating properly, and I'm fully aware of the germs that little ones can carry, especially when they are in daycare two days a week.  It didn't help so much that my other half has been picking up tons of extra shifts at work (they aren't optional) and has been unavailable for the better part of the day/evening.

Let's get real here, people.

Preconceived notion of foster care: sweet snuggle bunny to care for that goes to bed by 8pm.
Reality: two kids (not our age range!!) on two totally different schedules and absolutely NO way to get in touch with case workers. I mean is she going home today or not? It's 9am, lady. I'm in class. Kinda need to know this stuff.

Preconceived notion: I can get the 4 year old to rock some natural African American hair. I've got oils and Shea butter. I've seen the target ads with the cute kids in PJs embracing their natural hair without tight braids or rows.
Reality: EVERYONE thinks he's a girl. And I think I understand what nappy means now. And I feel really bad about it.

Preconceived notion: last night was bath time.
Reality: too much toilet paper in the baby's bathroom means ACTUAL poop flowing onto the floor. Dirty babies again.


Enough with the negativity

Truth of the matter is that last night I put the kids to bed two full hours before regular bedtime because I was nearly fainting and throwing up.  And I can't let that happen again. Where is the balance?  I love my waking moments with them: park time, dinner time, aquarium time, ESPECIALLY singing in the car time. And they need someone who loves that time with them. And those people are me and Steve.


The snuggles make it worth it. Worth every second.  Don't get me wrong. This is a truly joyful experience. During a particularity foggy day a few afternoons ago C asked me "why did God decide to come down today?"

Those are the moments that matter. I've just got to learn to take care of myself in the process.

The Moms Club

I have never been part of The Moms Club.  I have seen them out and about, doing their thing: at the grocery store lugging kids around, at the...

***edit***

I began this post Tuesday evening.  I was on the phone with my dear friend as she described how she and I would never be part of "The Moms Club."  We both struggle with infertility, although we are both forging through with hope.  I started this post listening to her describe The Moms Club and wrote about what I thought The Moms Club was: playdates, ice cream, grocery shopping, story-telling.  There was a status involved: I'm in. I'm in The Club.

Here is a secret: the only status involved is the moment when you have to scream "I'M IN THE BATHROOM!" a mere 30 seconds after you announced you were going into the bathroom to the 4 year old.  It is in the moment when you realize your husband ate all the bananas (overnight?) and you have no snacks to pack in the diaper bag.  It is in the moment when you feel guilty for picking up Wendy's for the second time in 4 days.

The Moms Club, for me, is embodied in The Foster Mom Club.  This club is a little different.  Although I imagine all mommies struggle with "do we let her cry for one more minute?" and "HE RAN INTO THE STREET AGAIN," I assume that The Foster Mom Club comes with a bit more of these moments: "who is this child? When will I feel like I'm not babysitting? Why do I feel like I am bonding with the boy, but not the sweet little 8 month old?"

The Foster Moms Club looks like this:

Day 1: wake up and you're not a mom. By 8pm you are a mother of two. Congrats, and enjoy the smack in the face

Day 2: have I fed her yet? Wait, I don't know their last names. Oh, yes I do. Have they pooped yet?

Day 3: SHIT, school started this week. SHIT, my husband is working 12 hour shifts for the next 12 days. SHIT, I forgot her name again. But she smells so good after a bath.

Day 4: oh, she's leaving to go with family next week. Extra hugs at bedtime. SHIT, I STILL DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN SHE CRIES.

Day 5: how did I end up with a near-5 year old? But he is so sweet. HOW DARE THAT SOCIAL WORKER ASK IF I WANTED TO CONTINUE TO FOSTER HIM. OF COURSE I DO! But wait, that wasn't my life plan... Wendy's for dinner again. All I want to do is hug the baby until she leaves, but all she wants to do is cry. WHERE IS MY HUSBAND?



... I will let you know how Day 6 goes once I have come up to the surface for air.

Last One Standing

"Your mother's gone"
She said over the phone
and fear ran through me like lightning
my chest tightened
my chest loosened

And I began again
trying, reaching

"Your aunt's in the hospital"
She said over the phone
and power ran through me like lightning
my family tightened
her children became like mine

And I began again
teaching, loving

"We lost Her"
He said over the phone
and shock ran through me like lightning
my breath tightened
and I was sick

And I couldn't begin again
broken, beaten
alone.

But I am my mother, a teacher in my heart
and I am my Aunt, loving her children
and I will be my last Aunt, a steel magnolia
Holding my family together,
The Last One Standing.